In July I asked my social media followers to write a blog about their motherhood experience. Below is Ruth McCormack's story, please leave a comment for Ruth below;
There is so much talk about the right time to start a family and how big a family you see for yourself, what type of parent you will be, how you will choose to raise your family etc. But no one tells you how hard it is to decide when your family is complete.
I understand for some people it’s easier than for others- they just know they are done. We decided a year after we had our son, that we wanted one more child and our family would be complete- simple eh?!
Fast forward to almost 3 years later. I’m sitting in my car sobbing my heart out while my husband lays on a doctors table, prepped for a vasectomy. How are we here? Why are we here? Are we doing the right thing? Will we regret this? Maybe we could try again ….. just one more time. We have talked this through. We always agreed that when our family was complete we would take this route.
But our family is not complete. I still feel like someone is missing. Like there is room for one more. My heart has room for one more. My body and my mental health have other ideas though. Our relationship is so strained from the last three years. There’s no way we could survive another loss.
My husband texts from the table to tell me he is prepped and to see if I’m ok. I am not ok. I’m devastated. He calls me. I’m sobbing uncontrollably down the phone at him. I shouldn’t be doing this to him right now but I can’t control the crying. The doctor walks into the room…… it’s time.
My husband asks me ‘"Are we doing this?" Through the snot and tears I answer "Yes".
I know it’s the right decision. We know it’s the best decision for us both, individually and as a couple. But I have never felt so lost and alone as I do right now.
Then why is it so hard? Why do I feel the weight of infertility bearing down on me. Why is the grief of five miscarriages tearing through me as painfully as it did when they happened? Why am I still crying?
"My husband texts ‘It’s finished now".
I know he means the procedure.
But those words mean so much more. We are finished with this part of our life. We are finished being all consumed by fertility issues. We are finished trying to grow our family. And it’s hard. It’s so unbelievably hard. My heart is a little bit broken for what could have been, what should have been and what almost was.
He texts again ‘It’s good. We are good. No regrets’